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How To: Give Advice
By Amanda (23, USA)
Your friends, and sometimes people who aren't your friends, will ask you to help them make a decision about something in their lives at one point or another. It could be something small, like what shoes they should wear, or something big, like which college they should go to. So, take a moment, and make sure you dish out your advice effectively.
Practice Active Listening
Don't just nod your head and phone in your responses to a friend's story when you know they're planning on asking for your help. Ask questions, repeat key phrases back to them, let them know that you hear what they're saying. Maybe even rephrase their points just to make sure you get clarification on them. You don't want to misinterpret what it is they are telling you. (Example: If they're discussing thinking their boyfriend is cheating on them, ask for specific examples to back them up so you can completely understand where they're coming from.) But don't interrupt them midstream. Wait for them to pause or take a breath before you reinforce their statements. Engage your mind in the topic at hand; don't let your thoughts drift away while the other person is talking. Pay attention.
Know Your Limits
If someone comes to you for help with a problem where you have none of your own life experience to draw from, or something that requires the help of a professional, don't get involved. If you don't know what you're talking about, you can end up doing more harm to a situation than good. Let's say a friend comes to you on behalf of someone else. She thinks another person you know has an eating disorder, but neither of you know what to do. Don't jump in with both feet until you think you actually can help. Talk to a counselor at school, tell someone's parents. Try to find someone with experience who can properly handle the situation. It's important to understand that you can't always fix a problem, you won't always have the advice someone needs.
Be Clear
If you are able to help, make sure the advice you give is straightforward and easily understood. Don't go back and forth on an issue or offer hundreds of choices. Pick one and stick with it. The point of advice is to tell someone how you would act if you were in their situation. If you go off on tangents about other people, other situations, or can't make up your mind, you're only going to confuse your friend and yourself. And confusion will only add to the problem at hand.
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Practice What You Preach
When you're someone who dispenses good advice, you have to be able to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. If you tell someone they should cancel a date because they need to finish a paper or study for a test, you should do the same when the situation arises. Someone who doesn't stay true to what they say is not the kind of person people want to go to for advice. And if you know the advice you're giving isn't what you would actually want to do, be honest about it. Explain why you know one choice is the right one even though you would hate to make the right decision. Remember, doing what's right isn't the same as doing what's easy.
Don't Get Offended
Not everyone is going to take the advice you offer them. Sometimes, people don't really want advice, even though they ask for it. (Of course, you shouldn't be soliciting advice in the first place if someone doesn't ask for it. Don't just assume they want advice. Wait for them to ask for your opinion.) What they really want is to be able to vent their frustrations and talk about the problem they have. Don't take it personally if they ask you what they should do, but then do the exact opposite of what you tell them. It doesn't mean your friend doesn't value your opinion, and it doesn't mean they weren't listening; they just weren't ready to do things your way. Everyone is different, and everyone is going to react differently as well. Be prepared for that.
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