Dealing with the loss of a loved one - Portrait Magazine

Loss of a loved one
 How to deal when someone you love dies
Written by: Anonymous

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest times in a persons life. The well of emotions can be overwhelming and confusing but death is a part of life and though it may not seem it at first it will get better.

As a young person you probably haven't experienced that much death in your life. Perhaps you've lost a grandparent or even losing a pet can be hard.

When I was fifteen my eldest cousin died tragically and unexpectedly in an accident. She was eighteen at the time and everything about her death seemed so wrong. My initial reaction was to cry and I did so for about half an hour but after that much to my surprise I found myself feeling totally normal and happy. I knew she was dead and that I'd never see her again but the reality of that fact hadn't yet set in. I guess this is the shock stage of loss; when you feel really numb.

I still feel numb about her death at times. I was thinking about her the other day when it hit me again that she really was gone and that I wouldn't ever see her again. I guess I'd figure that four years later I've have understood that fact.

I felt ashamed of it at the time but a lot of the time around her funeral was actually really fun. I got to catch up with all my family who are rarely all together at the same time. Though I felt kind of guilty then I feel now that this was something my cousin would have actually been happy about.

Guilt can be such a difficult thing. I felt guilty about having fun, I felt guilty about not feeling upset, I felt guilty when I said the wrong thing and hurt someones feelings, I felt guilty when I misread how someone was feeling, I even felt that maybe all of this meant that I didn't really care about her.

It wasn't true, of course. At the funeral there was a collection of pictures by her coffin, one was of she and I and her brother when we were toddlers. My cousin was hugging me and her brother (who were roughly the same age) and looking up at the camera and smiling. Seeing that picture there was the strangest feeling.

During the funeral I found myself reflecting back on various memories. My cousin had been one of my favorite cousins who I'd always looked up to and admired. She used to pay attention to me and spend time with me even though I was younger and probaby a bit of a pest at times. I really appreciated that and loved her for it.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing these memories with you now. Hopefully something of what I went through will help you when you lose someone. I feel that little can be said to really prepare you for the pain of losing someone but I've included a list of things that I wish someone could have shown me four years ago.


Important things to remember:

  • Just because someone may seem fine on the outside it doesn't mean they're not hurting on the inside. Everyone shows their grief differently. Don't feel that you need to be crying all the time to show that you truly cared about the person.
  • As covered in past above; keep in mind people often put up walls to protect themselves emotionally. You might notice a family member is acting angry all the time, or joking and being a clown a lot more then usual. Try not to let these things irritate you. They're grieving in their own.
  • It can sometimes take awhile for the reality of death to set in. Don't be surprised if you feel fine at first then later start to feel worse. It may be weeks before you really grasp what has happened.
  • Understand that emotions can be very much out of balance during this time. Tempers can flare easily and things may be said that are hurtful. Keep in mind that everyones hurting and deal with this with as much compassion as possible.
  • Try to be understanding of your families feelings. Sometimes people need their space and sometimes they really want someone to talk and reminisce with their loved one about. Try to be there for them without being irritating.
  • Keeping a journal can be helpful during this time. Writing down specific memories about your loved ones or just little things that make you think of them can help you deal with your loss and appreciate what you had.
  • It's very easy to feel guilty about things you may have said or done in the past to hurt or offend the person you lost. Keep in mind these things can get blown out proportion in the face of death and may really have been insignificent and instantly forgotten by the person that died. Don't beat yourself up about it.
  • If you're a tween or younger teen who has lost a family member try to be on best behavior for your parents and remember that they're going through a really hard time and need your support.
  • Remember you have family and friends who love you. Don't feel afraid to ask for help or just to have someone to talk to about the way you're feeling.
  • Never underestimate the power of a good hug. Even when you think it's the last thing you need, the human touch can often comfort you or others.


    Songs about losing someone:
    Check out some of the followings songs that deal with the subject of losing and missing someone.

    Hanson: With you in your dreams
    Avril Lavigne: Slipped Away
    Addison Road: Hold on, let go
    My Chemical Romance: Ghost of you
    Luther Vandross: Dance with my father
    Evanescence: My immortal
    Shangri-Las: Leader of the Pack
    Jimmy Eat World: Hear you me
    Celine Dion: My heart will go on
    Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men: One sweet day
    The Phantom of the Opera: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again